professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
how long have you had this for?
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
what’s more important?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
🏙👨🏼
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas