Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
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Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Merica.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
*pronounces patio like ratio
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.