Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
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Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
🤣
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”