No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.