The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
This is Sparta
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife