Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks