So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
You Might Also Like
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.