If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
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11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER