At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
This is hilarious….
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Lmfaoooooo
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.