so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…