“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Thoughts
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
🍞🦆
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).