Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
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This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Discuss
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Meow
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.