It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”