Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
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Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.