Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
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3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
#FunnyLife Insects