I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*