Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
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Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.