friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
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I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
estão todos miauvindo?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?