How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.