My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.