Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.