I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?