To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
You Might Also Like
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee