If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on