I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.