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temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster