Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
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There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how