Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’M CRYINGGG
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Word.
~ Microsoft.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am