Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
それは草
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened