Ugh
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said