When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
You Might Also Like
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Are we there yet?…
I only eat vegetarians.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi