Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Happy Febuary everyone!
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Body by cheese-puffs.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*