Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
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When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks