Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
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bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
and now we wait
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Don’t talk down to me