If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
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regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
what the
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family