This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
This is why I hate group projects
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
based al yankovic
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?