At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
There’s always that one guy
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”