Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?