Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit