We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
You Might Also Like
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“The Perfect Relationship”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”