Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
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Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…