I unironically love this joke.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.