I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
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Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.