[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all