[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.