if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?