Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
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Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My last name is Zilla.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel