I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
what
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.