You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
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What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Storm Tropical Storm
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
This did not end as expected.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow