Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
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DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*